Down to Single Digits!!

Thirty things I'll miss about Iraq...

1. Omnipresent aerostat balloon watching over me.


2. Free food.


3. Free gas.


4. Free laundry.


5. Wearing body armor = free exercise.


6. Walking everywhere = free exercise.


7. Running for bunker = free exercise.


8. No cooking.


9. No cleaning.


10. No utility bills.


11. No cell phone.


12. No commercials on TV – and the military infomercials are so entertaining.


13. No grocery shopping or trips to the mall.


14. No yard work.


15. No pesky “What will I wear this weekend?” dilemmas.


16. Every volleyball court is a sand volleyball court.


17. Bronchial rattle of hooch air conditioner comforting, reassuring.


18. Two guns and a knife make me feel like a bad-a*s.


19. The Gator.


20. The bat house.


21. Random weirdness, such as abandoned open box of Q-tips at bus stop.


22. That fresh bubble gum smell of a clean port-a-john.


23. Cha Cha wetting his pants.


24. Bugging the engineers.


25. “Jambo jambo!”


26. Can always depend on a good giggle from Australian uniform “camouflage” (It has lavender hearts, I’m not kidding)


27. World’s most beautiful palm trees.


28. Bird song saturating the hot mid-morning air.


29. Feeling of contributing to history.


30. The friends I’ve made.

Nuclear Fallout Day

I awake with a start when my roommate, Mouth, taps me on the shoulder.

“It’s Nuclear Fallout Day,” she says.

Shuffling to the trailer that’s our neighborhood’s collective female bathroom, I see what she means. It’s going to be one of those dusty, hazy days. The dust doesn’t whip around and pelt you, they way you would expect, the way it did in Kuwait. Here, it just settles in thickly. My boss calls it “Dirt Fog.”

Mouth slips eye-drops into her pocket as we shut the door to begin our 20-minute walk.

By the time we make it to work, my front teeth are gritty. The mosque across the street seems like it has a curtain of dust hanging in front of it. Some people are walking around with surgical masks, balaclavas, or even t-shirts over their faces. Inside, I rejoice that a group care package has a few toothbrushes left.

We have it easy, working in a building most of the day. I feel for the folks who will be out in the dirt fog all day, like the ECP guards.

Late afternoon is deep orange, like in the movie Total Recall. It’s eerie and indescribable. The mosque is now completely obscured. Our faces and eyelashes are coated with a light layer of dirt. Several of us drive to the next FOB over and visibility is about 100 feet. The lakes, chalets, and the palace that define this FOB are invisible. Vehicles have their lights on.

Here's the mosque across the street on a normal day:

The mosque on the morning of Nuclear Fallout Day:Here's the same view of the mosque on the afternoon of Nuclear Fallout Day:And we all feel it, the trepidation.

IDF (indirect fire -- mortars & rockets)) usually comes on days like this.

Update

Dear Gentlereader,

It’s important to realize that not only does the Pecanbon product feature a generous topping of chopped pecans, but an extra layer of caramel goo, slathered right on top of the classic whitish Cinnabon goo! This is critical information when deciding how to celebrate a promotion in absence of alcohol.

Calories in Pecanbon roll:

Fresh-baked cinnamon roll topped with pecans and smothered in sweet caramel frosting

Manufactured by Cinnabon

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 roll

Amount Per Serving
Calories 1100
Calories from Fat 504
% Daily Value*
Total Fat 56.0g 86%

* Based on a 2000 calorie diet

The regular Cinnabon is also scrumptious, of course, and has a mere 730 calories; it’s practically diet food.

These vital stats have come to my recent attention here in Iraq. It’s a strange place; indoor plumbing is a rarity, but you can get Cinnabon.

A quick update: I’ve moved to a new job teaching people who do my old job. (My new office building, a Saddam-era bungalow, has indoor plumbing.) I’m really enjoying this new job! I have always found reward in teaching. Plus, I’m back amongst my shipmates, at the heart of this organization. In a way, it’s like “coming home” to the Navy. The casual observer, upon entering the building, may not realize he is among sea-farers in Army uniforms. But, certain subtle design elements of the décor hint “nautical”:

It’s springtime in Iraq, and the birds are singing and nesting. One species, the ring-neck turtle dove, is especially familiar and even comforting because my family used to keep them as pets. They coo differently here, though. I guess they coo in Arabic.

This pair decided our building’s overhang was ideal for a nest. Here’s Mama Dove looking down from the nest while Papa Dove keeps guard against weird chicks wearing camouflage.

Not all is Cinnabon, Sailors and doves, however. One afternoon the sky darkened, and everything turned orange – a stand storm. Thankfully there wasn’t much blowing sand like there had been in Kuwait and I’m sure there was in other parts of Iraq that day. It’s hard to describe what it’s like in a sand storm, but here is a picture of a nearby Mosque on a normal day and during the sand storm.


Also, I have a new plant, and I would appreciate suggestions for a name. Poor Spike has gone to the Big Greenhouse in the Sky, but this new one seems hardier. Thanks, Mom, for finding ways to bring green into my life.

On a last note, I have a request. Please read this article – it’s imperative.
You’ll see why. It is of much greater consequence than most “news” reported daily and far more important than anything I have to say. Note the difference between the terms “link” (could be financial, providing sanctuary, etc.) and “operational link.”

http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/014/889pvpxc.asp

Keep the troops in your prayers!
-Toonces

And Monkeys Might Fly Out of My…..

Assimilating into the Army has at times been hard.

Some days I truly feel like a squid out of water. Everything is new: acronyms, jargon, tempo, phone etiquette, unit organization, staff culture, acceptable jokes, the system itself. Anyone who has ever been a guest in someone else’s system can relate to how hard it can be to get things done. The division of labor among the battalion staff members is similar to the Navy’s, and just different enough to screw me up. The S-3 is kind of like a Squadron OpsO, but there’s nothing equivalent to a FRAGO in a squadron. The XO is an XO, but is also the head Maintenance Officer. The S-1 and S-2 are junior to the S-3. The S-6 is one of the most junior officers, but has about 15 people that work for him.

Having said all that, my Army comrades have been accommodating and forgiving of my blunders, and patiently answer my bewildered questions, such as, “Where is the convoy schedule?” (There isn’t one) and “What does ‘scunion’ mean?” (Still don’t know). They don’t really know what I do. Maybe that’s good because it’s less they have to worry about. I prefer to work behind the scenes anyway.

But it can all be isolating. After all, not only am I the weird Navy chick, I’m also the New Guy.

Forever.

And as the New Guy, I should not be surprised to find this affixed to the back of my IBA:

Ha ha, guys. As payback, you can clean my musket, because I suck at that.

So what does this have to do with monkeys? Well, nothing makes a person feel more remembered, loved, connected and anchored to reality than mail from home! Thank you to everyone who has blessed me with care packages, letters, and emails. They really help. I am really lucky to have such caring friends and family.

One particularly blog-worthy presento came from a good friend of mine who was also a Navy IA in Iraq. (Sherm, they still talk about you.)

He knew just what to send: A Handheld Flying Monkey Launcher!!!!





-Toonces

Music, Girls, Jokes

The EWOs who went before me said the experience would give me a sense of accomplishment.

They were right. This year, for the first time ever, I got all my Christmas shopping and mailing done early.

For you poor souls who must battle the malls, I feel for you. I honestly would rather be in Iraq than the local Best Buy parking lot.

We’re getting into the Christmas spirit here. We’re having a cold snap this week, and folks are walking around in black watch caps and gloves, with pink noses, drinking Green Beans coffee. This is a tree put up by another unit in my building.

I got this tree in a care package! Same for the stocking.

The day after Thanksgiving, Christmas music flooded the p-way; a sergeant told me that was his tradition -- to break out the Christmas music the Friday after Thanksgiving -- and he wasn’t about to miss it.

The care package flow is up and we’re enjoying each other’s favorite cookies and homemade fudge. Someone even sent baklava.

And, we got treated to a good ol’ fashioned USO show — just like you always hear about!

I have to say I enjoyed every minute of the 3+ hours mega show. Headliners were country stars Keni Thomas, a Ranger-turned-musician, and Darryl Worley, who effectively rhymes “forgotten” and “Bin Laden.”

Keni Thomas belts one out.

They were backed up by the Army Band and vocalists, and spiced up by a small contingent of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Two comedians came out and told off-color jokes, in the tradition of Phyllis Diller. These performers gave it their all! They will miss Christmas with their families to tour Iraq and Afghanistan with the show.

The Army’s rockin’ vocalists brought down the house with “Purple Rain” and “Living in America."

What I found most enjoyable and satisfying was the idea of the continuing tradition of the USO show and its elements: music, girls, jokes. (In the Navy, we find comfort in tradition, and look for it.) I found a few great original photos on the Web, for kind of a “then and now” presentation. Today’s USO performers follow in the shoes of some entertainment greats.

The historical narrative and some of the photos are from the USO website. My thanks to those who posted their personal photos from Viet Nam on various websites.

“During the peak of action in 1945, USO Camp Shows were presenting 700 shows a day, with more than 300,000 performances overseas and in the United States, to an audience totaling more than 173 million. From 1941 to 1947, more than 7,000 performers put on 428,521 shows of all kinds.”
Carol Landis and Martha Tilton in New Guinea.

“Touring Camp Shows were discontinued in 1947 but were revived in 1951 with the approach of the Korean War. Some 126 entertainment units put on more than 5,400 shows in Korea. Stars included Jennifer Jones, Jack Benny, Errol Flynn, Danny Kaye, Robert Merrill, Bob Hope, Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Maxwell, Paul Douglas, Jan Sterling and Al Jolson. Such stars as Paul Douglas, Ray Milland, Molly Picon, Walter Pidgeon, Jan Sterling and Keenan Wynn also went on tour. Celebrity units drawn from the USO Hollywood Coordinating Committee brought 866 performances to Korea. Among other stars were Rory Calhoun, Piper Laurie, Debbie Reynolds, Mickey Rooney and Frances Langford. Stateside visits included such stars as Jayne Mansfield, Jerry Colonna, Bob Hope and Anita Bryant.”

“Bob Hope took his USO Christmas show to Vietnam for the first time in 1964; the shows continued into the next decade. Some 5,559 USO performances took place during the Vietnam years.”

Raquel Welch in Viet Nam, photo taken by a soldier.

Bob Hope and Raquel Welch on stage together.
Ann-Margaret in Vietnam, taken by a soldier.

Soldiers cover a mountain side to watch the show.

Trying to see the show. A Christmas USO show in 1971.
A USO show band rocks some remote area of Viet Nam.

“USO entertainment in the 80s retained its stellar reputation while increasing its range. Superstar rock groups KANSAS, the Doobie Brothers, Cheap Trick; jazz legend Louie Bellson; movie stars Kris Kristofferson, Brooke Shields, Chuck Norris; performers Ann Jillian and John Denver; MISS USAs Michelle Royer, Courtney Gibbs and Gretchen Polhemus; rhythm and blues group Atlantic Starr; a host of country music stars, including Loretta Lynn, Randy Travis, Ricky Skaggs, Lee Greenwood, Mickey Gilley, and the Judds; and even Jeopardy! Host Alex Trebek became involved with the USO’s celebrity entertainment program.”

And now, in 2007, The USO Christmas Show closes with “Free Bird” and the guitar solo segues into “America the Beautiful.”

Everyone joined in.

-Toonces

Remembering the Japanese Attack on Pearl Harbor

American dead numbered 2,403. That figure included 68 civilians.

The following poem and photo are from the Naval Historical Center website:
http://www.history.navy.mil/index.html

If you have a moment, the photographs of the destruction at Pearl Harbor are well worth a look: http://www.history.navy.mil/photos/events/wwii-pac/pearlhbr/pearlhbr.htm

-Toonces

PS: If you are blessed with a WWII veteran in your life, please give them a hug for me.

Pearl Harbor Attack, 7 December 1941
Official U.S. Navy Photograph.
Photographic montage prepared for the 30th anniversary of the attack, 7 December 1971.

It is accompanied by a poem by JO3 Jim Deken, USN:

In the darkest of moments
a nation is wounded,
rights herself
and pushes on.
Her wounds give her strength
and urge her on to victory.

Time passes,
the wound heals
but leaves a mark.
The mark is her reminder
of what has been and could be again.
She does not forget.

Comments

It looks like the comments have not been working for a while, so I've turned off the moderation to see if that helps. The "funny letters" verification is still on. Let's see if it works better now. :)

Why I Watch

Anyone who has been on a ship for any length of time can relate to the inevitable sensory deprivation. This is brought on by the sameness of endless grey p-ways, dirty ladderwells, and nightly Wardroom food offerings of brown on white. While my current sensory deprivation is nowhere near as acute and pervasive as on the ship, I can feel it starting to invade my psyche. Perhaps it’s my living environment:

View of my neighborhood facing North.

View of my neighborhood facing South.


So what to do?

• Read a magazine. There’s practically a library in the women’s latrine trailer. But I can only take so much Marie Claire.
  


• Try something new and interesting at the DFAC. Umm, problem with that….
  


• Create yet another PowerPoint presentation. (Really, I don’t know how we won WWII without PowerPoint.)
  


• Conduct an Army-Navy psyops campaign on my Battalion Commander!

Yes! I will tape tiny pictures of Bill the Goat all over his office, in places where he will, over several days, continually discover them, much to his chagrin and my sheer joy! I will tape these images in such insidious places as the underside of his phone receiver and inside his desk drawers!

Brilliant!

Well . . . I was actually going to do this, but an Army battalion staffer warned me that might “push him over the edge.”

Sigh. I guess I don’t want to push him over the edge.

Well, at least we have the Army-Navy Game to liven things up!

I was treated to YouTube footage of the most recent Whoop goat-napping caper at our Battalion Update Brief (BUB). And the Battalion Commander showed up in a 2007 Army-Navy Game “Goatbuster” shirt.

So that shows some good spirit, even if a bit moldy and overused, God bless ‘em.

Best, I got an invitation, as a Navy of One, to watch the game in the battalion spaces.

I would have loved to have gotten you, Dear Reader, a photo of us all watching the Army-Navy Game together. But here is what happened.

First of all, let me be clear: I don’t give a flying rodent caboose about football. But I care about the Army Navy Game. I care because it is a yearly marker, an event, a milestone in life. I care because the rivalry is pure and not malicious --it’s something like sibling rivalry. The players are destined to be professionals in the military, not the sports-entertainment industry. The gridiron is a long-standing metaphor for the battlegrounds on which Army and Navy will fight a real enemy, together.

Also, I often have a wager on the outcome.

Sadly, I could find no West Pointers who would even discuss a possible wager. Could it be that they thought they might not win? Again, sigh.

Anyway, night of the game, I grabbed some animal crackers, a couple of Diet Cokes, and the Third Battalion EWO, Joker, who was up from PB Dragon (not a grad, but he is a Navy LT who works at the Academy when not in Iraq) and went over to the TOC.

What a great time!

There were about 10 of us or so, with Joker and I the only Navy reps, rooting and joking, pointing out patches the players wore, and generally feeling sympathy for the Army football team.

I even rooted for them a bit.

But the teams winning or losing isn’t the thing. It’s just that we were together watching The Game. How cool, I thought, to be sitting in Iraq, with a bunch of Army officers and enlisted, in a battalion TOC, watching the Army-Navy Game! I was stoked.

I thought, I need a picture. (That is how my mother best communicates with me —subconsciously.) I came back with my camera after half time, but the crowd was reduced by more than half.

By the fourth quarter, Joker and I were it!

Now these Army guys were still in the building, but they had abandoned watching the game to go back to WORK (it was about 1030 at night!) and were all in their offices at their desks. (I guess making PowerPoint presentations. )

So no photo.

But what I said above, about the metaphor and the kinship, that’s all real.

-Toonces

Lots To Be Thankful For

Thanksgiving was of course a little sad around here as everyone wants to be with family during the holidays. But, we’re all in the same boat, so there wasn’t too much moping around. The beautiful 78 degree cloudless day set a pleasant tone. As much as folks could, they made an easy day of it. But most people can’t completely take a break from the war. Patrols went as usual.

The Dining Facility (DFAC) staff went all out and dressed the place to the nines. It takes a lot of effort to give what is essentially a warehouse any ambiance. But I think they did that. There were tables of fruit, carved and arranged, a life-size teepee, streamers, enormous cakes for each of the resident units and several giant cakes that were bigger than my desk at work. The highlight of the décor was a village, made of food items, and its centerpiece, an ornate white icing cathedral. (I wish I could have taken photos of all this but cameras are not allowed in the DFAC. See previous blog entry.)

The food was great, and below is copy of the program. (The “wine” was actually sparkling grape juice – General Order No.1 was still in effect!)

I was thankful beyond measure to have a great group of people to enjoy the meal with. Our whole office went and managed to get a table together, and one of my good friends from across the base drove down to share the meal with us. That made the day for me.

You can get through anything with your friends.

-Toonces

A Sign You Might Be in Iraq 2

Hope this finds you healthy and happy this Thanksgiving week. There is a lot to be thankful for. It sounds corny, but just living in America is a great blessing. Many people around the world would trade places in a heartbeat and can only dream of the privileges and lifestyle we enjoy. They would give a lot to live just one day in our shoes.

You only need to read of the great challenges we face in Iraq to realize how hard it is to build democratic institutions, to establish the rule of law, to protect human rights. It didn’t happen overnight in the United States, and it won’t happen overnight here in Iraq.

On a lighter note, here’s your sign.
Heat meter. (Not be confused with Fun Meter.) I told you it was hot.

For the culturally impaired.

Look at all the fun things to do in Iraq! It’s practically Club Med. Oh yeah, pool’s closed.

How far to the nearest bottle of Wild Turkey?

This one wins top honors because you have to know the policy already in order to interpret the sign. (You can’t have the first or the second line, but must have the third line, in order to do the fourth line.)

And a bonus sign for Turkey Day. I can’t speak to this tasty-looking bird’s origin, but I can guess its fate.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Toonces

Concerned Local Citizens

Death toll in Iraq continues to fall

By STEVEN R. HURST
The Associated Press

BAGHDAD -- October is on course to record the second consecutive monthly decline in U.S. military and Iraqi civilian deaths, and U.S. commanders say they know why: the U.S. troop increase and an Iraqi groundswell against al Qaeda and Shiite militia extremists.
Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch points to what the military calls "concerned citizens" -- Shiites and Sunnis who have joined the American fight.

He says he's signed up 20,000 of them in the past four months.

"I've never been more optimistic than I am right now with the progress we've made in Iraq. The only people who are going to win this counterinsurgency project are the people of Iraq. We've said that all along. And now they're coming forward in masses," Lynch said in a recent interview at a U.S. base deep in hostile territory south of Baghdad. Lynch commands the 3rd Infantry Division and once served as the military spokesman in Baghdad. Outgoing artillery thundered as he spoke.

As of Tuesday, the Pentagon reported 28 U.S. military deaths in October. The toll on U.S. troops hasn't been this low since March 2006, when 31 soldiers died. In September, 65 U.S. soldiers died in Iraq.

Part of the trend can be seen in a volatile and violent band of lush agricultural land on Baghdad's southern border.

The commander of the battle zone, Lt. Col. Val Keaveny, 3rd Battalion, 509th Infantry (Airborne), said his unit has lost only one soldier in the past four months despite intensified operations against Shiite and Sunni extremists, including powerful al Qaeda in Iraq cells.

Keaveny attributes the startling decline to a drop in attacks by militants who are being rounded up in big numbers on information provided by citizens.

The efforts to recruit local partners began taking shape this year in the western province of Anbar, which had become the virtual heartland for Sunni insurgents and al Qaeda bands. The early successes in Anbar, coming alongside a boost of 30,000 U.S. troops in the Baghdad area, led to similar alliances in other parts of Iraq.

"People are fed up with fear, intimidation and being brutalized. Once they hit that tipping point, they're fed up, they come to realize we truly do provide them better hope for the future. What we're seeing now is the beginning of a snowball," Keaveny said.

(Entire article here.)

Not All Graffiti is Bad

PS: Thanks for the awesome ideas for plant names. They were all so good, I need more plants! I tried out the suggested names to see what the plant would answer to. He (it's a boy) responded best to "Spike." Thanks again!